I'll Have What She's Having
by Artemesia
Summary: Tomoyo offers Syaoran advice on his love life he'd rather not hear. The customers of Cafe Piffle Princess think otherwise. One-shot, response to a TsukimineShrine challenge.


Author's note: Response to the CCS and the Silver Screen challenge at TsukimineShrine. Personally, this may be the most disturbing CCS fic I've written – and that's even counting the Eriol/Fujitaka squickfic written for another challenge. CCS is owned by CLAMP – and I think everyone will recognize the movie from which the scene, dialogue and, ahem, incident, have been taken.   
  
"I'll Have What She's Having"  
by Artemesia  
  
Syaoran desperately wished that Café Piffle Princess wasn't so incredibly full.  
  
Tomoyo had asked to meet, of course, anything to make her Sakura-chan happy, but why couldn't they meet in her spacious new townhome? Or her mother's manor, which was always empty? Or even his and Sakura's tiny apartment when she was at class? Sakura's best friend had a plan – she always had a plan – and he wouldn't know until he had fallen too far into it to get out.  
  
The waiter cleared away Syaoran's sixth coffee and brought him another as the door opened with a cheerful tinkle of bells. A beautiful young woman with cascading black hair, stunning violet eyes and what looked like Armani (Syaoran, however, knew it was handmade) entered. The other denizens of Tomoeda looked at Daidouji-san, designer, singer, occasional model and all around sweet person and smiled.  
  
Syaoran rubbed his sweaty hands together under the table and wished that he hadn't come. That he had demanded a more private meeting place. That Sakura hadn't needed to go to Tomoyo in the first place.  
  
"Li-kun," Tomoyo said as she came to the table, sliding into the seat across from him with impeccable grace and an unreadable smile. She ordered a latte and slice of the caf's most potent chocolate cake from the waiter, who scurried off to fill her order.  
  
"Daidouji-san," Syaoran said in a voice that somehow managed to remain calm. "I'm glad- er, I'm thankful-" The young man winced and shook his head. "Your schedule is so busy, so whatever you say I need to do to make Sakura-chan happy, I'll do it. Whatever it is."  
  
"Do you even know why she's unhappy?" Tomoyo asked, the smile changing to one of sympathy. Pity, even. The waiter returned and slid the latte and sinfully dark café in front of her.  
  
"Classes, making the new Cards..." Sakura's new husband trailed off realizing he was rather wrong. "Mostly me, I imagine." "She isn't unhappy, but she's frustrated and knows she should be happier." Tomoyo speared a bit of cake with her fork and slid it into her mouth, closing her eyes a moment to savor the chocolate hitting her tongue.  
  
"I'll do anything – more dishes, cooking, being nice to her brother, being civil to that plushie-"  
  
"You don't understand, do you?" The raven-haired woman sighed and put down her fork. "That isn't what she wants from you. Of all people, with your magic you should know..."  
  
"Should know what?" Syaoran squeezed his hands together tighter, a sudden rush of worry for his wife flooding through him. "Is there a new enemy, a Card we didn't know about, Hiragiizawa coming back-"  
  
"None of those, though she's trying to meet her needs with the newest Card."  
  
Syaoran closed his eyes and tried to think of Sakura's newest Cards – ever since her 18th birthday her magic seemingly knew no bounds. "The Bind, the Heal, the MacroEconomics-"  
  
Tomoyo made a clucking noise in the back of throat and took another bite of cake as Syaoran nervously lifted the coffee cup to his lips. "The Vibrate."  
  
Coffee splayed across the table as Syaoran nearly dropped the cup, the severity of the situation hitting home. "The, the WHAT?!" Around them, staff and customers alike quieted and turned their attention to the pair. "B- but WHY?!"  
  
"The Vibrate," Tomoyo repeated calmly. "And as to why – like I said before, with your magic, I thought you would be able to sense when you weren't...satisfying her."  
  
"But I am!" Syaoran exclaimed before quickly lowering his voice. Kami- sama, it had to be here, with half of Tomoeda watching them. "I mean, she always seems...happy afterwards and..well, during..." Syaoran was now as red as the vinyl seat beneath him. "Well, she....she...."  
  
"She does a good job of faking it for you? That's because she loves you and wants you to be happy," Tomoyo said, holding another bite of cake in front of her thoughtfully. "If you wanted her to be happy, you'd make sure it was the real thing."  
  
It took a few moments for Syaoran to form coherent words. "No, she..she's not faking it, she can't be, I would..."  
  
"You would know? You don't know how easy it is, do you?" Tomoyo looked at Syaoran with that same mix of sadness and pity, but with a calculating look in her lavender eyes. It was a look that made Syaoran want to run all the way back to Hong Kong. "Let me...explain."  
  
Tomoyo ate the cake far too sensually than should ever be allowed, closing her eyes in rapture and abandon. "Kami-sama, that's so good," she said in a throaty voice, tilting her long, pale neck back. She held her other hand to her chest and let out a soft yet primal moan.  
  
"So good...have to....have more...no...no...don't stop..." The eyes of every man in the café were riveted on the woman in the seeming throes of ecstasy, her chest heaving with rapid, shallow breaths.  
  
Syaoran's eyes, however, had an extra look of horror and mortification.  
  
"That's it, that's it...oh God, oh...oh.." Tomoyo's breathy exclamations were interspersed with moans and whimpers that set Syaoran's hair on edge, among other things.  
  
"Oh God...oh...oh....YES!!!...YES!!!!.....YES!!!" The sudden banging of Tomoyo's fork-free hand against the table made everyone in the café jump. Syaoran was ready to scramble out of his seat and bolt until Tomoyo opened her eyes and returned to her cake with nary a blink – or a hair out of place. "You see how easy it is?"  
  
Syaoran merely nodded while the other patrons returned to life as normal. Terada Rika, however, summoned the waiter, once the waiter had regained his concentration, however.  
  
"She had the chocolate cake, ne?" The waiter adjusted his tie and nodded. "I'll have what she's having – two boxes to go, however."   
-------  
"Have to do this....he's the only one I can ask....have...to...make...Sakura- chan...happy!"  
  
Syaoran looked down at the phone in his hand and sighed. A day after the notorious incident, he had heard more than he ever knew on female sexuality from Tomoyo (which set him to endless wondering) and from Meiling, who had also heard about Sakura's unhappiness – and her temporary remedy. But he wanted a male point-of-view; it was times like these he wished he still had his father. His father-in-law was not an option; asking Touya was a death sentence and irrelevant; Yukito was also hitting for the other team; Yamazaki had recommended something out of the Kama Sutra that had very nearly broken his back – and hadn't made anything better for his wife.  
  
And so this was his last resort. He was a man, even if he was a meddlesome prat.  
  
However, whenever they went to England, Kaho always seemed very happy.  
  
Gathering up his courage, he took a deep breath and hit the speed-dial for 'Hiragiizawa.'  
------  
Nakuru, Cambridge's newest professor of psychology home for a brief time before her sabbatical, leapt up as the phone rang in the sitting room.  
  
"I've got it!" she trilled gleefully as she skipped across the room. Eriol and Kaho looked up from their tea with a smile – Suppi was too busy pulling his book away from a curious and slightly grubby neighbor child, one of the incorrigible Plant-Slocum clan.  
  
"Hiragiizawa residence," the moon guardian all but sang into the phone. "The fabulous Dr. Nakuru Akizuki speaking – ah, moshi, moshi, Syaoran-kun!" Her already cheerful voice glided up into a squeal.  
  
"It's so good to hear from you! How are Touya kun and Tsukishiro-kun? Honto ni? That's wonderful! And Kero-chan? Very good!"  
  
"Well, we already heard about Sakura-chan-"  
  
Eriol and Kaho, who had gone back to their scones, glanced up with alarm.  
  
"You shouldn't feel too bad, it is harder for us girls – even if their creators haven't given them their gender and the ability to have multiple orgasms yet," Nakuru said with a pointed look at Eriol, who promptly dropped his scone into his lap. "So at least once you work your problems out, she can do something besides fake it."  
  
"How do I know? And you're wondering about me and not Tomoyo-chan, though I have my theories."  
  
Eriol shot up off the couch but Nakuru waved him off and skipped out of reach. Suppi, sensing what was coming, let go of the book and closed his paws over the toddler's ears.  
  
"I just can't believe you didn't know! You have too much magic to be fooled by 'Oh, Syaoran, yes, YES!, oh Syaoran, oh God, please, PLEASE, f-"  
  
It took Nakuru a moment to realize she couldn't hear her own voice, and she looked at Eriol with a wounded scowl before throwing the phone at him and proceeding to sulk off upstairs. Suppi let out a sigh and looked at his young charged, who merely laughed and pulled at the sun guardian's ears. Eriol shook his head and lifted the phone.  
  
"Li-kun, I'm so sorry for her, she gets like that every now and- hello? Li- kun? Hello?"  
  
Halfway across the world, Syaoran dropped the phone in his hands and silently beat his head against the desk. 


End file.
